I’m finding this awfully bizarre, sitting here talking to you as if you’re a real person.

I am a real person!

Yes but you know what I mean.
I mean: how long is it since tigers started mixing freely with humans?

It took a while to get going. There were what looked like insurmountable obstacles. One of the main ones being that you humans have prehensile thumbs and bendy fingers, whereas I have retractable claws on all four paws. In days gone by, that presented me with real problems.

Such as?

Well, the obvious one: getting through doors. I used to stand there scratching and biting at the door handle, making a fool of myself. Until I learned to wait for a human to come along and open it, and I’d slip in behind him. Sometimes I’d wait a long time. Nowadays all public doors open by themselves as you approach them. Problem solved.

Was that the only problem?

Heavens, no. There’s another thing you may have noticed. You naturally walk on your hind legs, letting your forelegs swing, whereas tigers in the jungle get along on all fours. You have to learn not to do that in public.

Was it a big issue?

No, not really. It might have been once. But these days you can buy gyroscopes which fit in the ear, and that fixes it. The wonders of modern tech.

I noticed those things in your ears. Do you mean to tell me they’re gyroscopes?

Gyroscopes plus a few other things. Here, I’ll take one out and you can have a look at it.

Thank you… it’s much lighter than I was expecting.

Once upon a time gyroscopes were big heavy things. Rotating wheels, would you believe. But nowadays they’ve been micro-miniaturized. So the ear insert doesn’t even need to be as large as it is. But there are a lot of other things inside.

Such as?

Batteries: they take up loads of room. Plus Bluetooth, and a nifty AI, to make up for the fact that you possess an oversized neocortex and I don’t. It does the job of leveling-up so well I hardly notice the difference – I hope nobody else does.

Is there a lot of functionality you have to make up for?

No. Surprisingly little. Usually it’s the other way round. Humans gave up being free-living creatures in the wild a long time ago. You’ve almost completely lost your sense of smell. It’s a mystery how you manage so well without it. I see humans smoking tobacco, destroying whatever vestige of a sense of smell they have. These guys must be absolute parasites, relying on the state for just about everything.

Then there’s your dismal sense of hearing. ‘Nuff said about that. To a tiger like me it seems the only really demanding use you make of your five senses is for interpersonal transaction. And that’s largely a matter of good-natured combat than honest-to-goodness cooperation. If your womenfolk didn’t select for it when choosing who to mate with, you’d all become like naked mole-rats: sight and smell withering away to nothing.

Surely it’s not as bad as that?

Geddaway. And as for eyesight – I see a lot of people walking around with prosthetic eyeballs. I’ve yet to see a tiger wearing spectacles.

So you’d claim you’re able to live like a normal human being?

Like a superior human being. But that’s just my perspective.

Just now you used the word: parasite. If you’ll forgive me, doesn’t that apply to yourself?
I mean – how do you earn your living? Aren’t you living on government handouts, like everyone else?

Well that might have been true once upon a time, when tigers were just beginning to sneak into human cities. Life was becoming impossible in the wilderness, as the herds of deer which supported us disappeared. Scavenging in dustbins was infinitely better than the alternatives that faced us. But as time went by, that wasn’t good enough for us. Would it be for you?

So you just fell into good jobs?

Kinda. We tigers discovered that we have a lot of marketable skills. So none of us goes short of a dollar or two. I mean – look around you.

And you have a job yourself?

Yes. With the military. I’m sorry I cannot tell you what it is exactly. Let’s just say: counter-insurgency. Doing what tigers are supremely good at: lying hidden in the long grass and jumping out and pouncing on people. Only people that you’d say deserved it, mind. It’s just how dogs have earned their crust in the police and armed forces from time immemorial. But we tigers do it better.

In what way?

We’re far more impressive in action. And we don’t need handlers. Plus we stay out of abusive relationships. Nobody messes with us. That’s how I’m able to hold my head up in the community, and buy my round of drinks.

You actually go to the pub and drink beer?

Sure. As with all these things, some research was needed. I can’t suck it up through a straw – yes, I’ve tried. But I’ve trained my local to serve it to me in a fruit bowl. I have to put my nose in the bowl and lap it up, like I would from a jungle pool. Just like a kitten lapping up a bowl of cream, as my drinking companions say. They have a good laugh and it earns me a bit of cheap popularity.

It sounds like you’ve taken to city life pretty well.

There was a steep learning curve.

I can imagine!

Can you now. Well listen to this. I read a lot of books in my spare time. No I don’t actually read them: I listen to audiobooks. And the AI in my ears makes sense of what I hear. Plus looking-up pertinent facts on-the-fly.

I love ancient history, particularly the Roman empire. Did you know the empire didn’t decline and fall after Christianity took over in the late 4th century? No, it went on for another thousand years in the city of Constantinople. They stopped fighting wars with their neighbours: a very human thing to do, but we tigers understand that. We were fiercely territorial once, not the cuddly stripey fun-loving furballs you see today (excuse me while I pick my teeth).

No, the Byzantines (as we call them today) paid other people to fight their wars for them. Savage ruffians for the most part. But – hey – what do you want from these people?

You tell me.

Do you know what happened to the Anglo Saxon eorls after the Norman conquest of England?

I thought the Normans killed them all off.

Not a bit of it. They all took ship and sailed to Constantinople, where they signed on with the Varangian Guard. Varangian means People of the Oath. These people were hugely well-paid and reported directly to the Emperor. They were the Emperor’s trusted bodyguard, like the old Praetorian Guard in Rome. Natives of Constantinople were not at all trustworthy: they’ve given the word Byzantine a bad meaning. But the Varangians were faithful and reliable. And that’s what we tigers aspire to be.

Very commendable.

But here’s the point – and it struck me as a tiger forcefully. The Varangians weren’t the least bit civilized. They used to scratch their names in the stonework of Hagia Sophia – the loutish dolts!

Did they now! And do you tigers ever get caught doing that sort of thing?

Not these days.

Do you know what that monstrous neocortex of yours actually does? Which we tigers don’t have, at least not on that scale?

Remind me.

It moderates your behaviour to conform to social norms.

Is that all?

Pretty well. That and saving cooking recipes, shaggy dog stories and so on. Plus enabling you to speak and understand English. The AI in my ears makes short work of all that. Far better than your grey matter does. Silicon trumps meat.

I’m impressed.
But I’m not convinced a human being would ever let his daughter marry you.

No, you don’t see many timans in the street, much less hugers. But it’s not only tigers that have to endure prejudice from ignorant folk. There’s a lot I could say about the whole thing.

Please do. I’m fascinated.

Okay. Here’s a picture of my boyfriend, Gerald…